Kenyan Humour

INTRODUCTION This is a sort of the history of Kenya.  They say, that if a people do not know where they are coming from they might forget and just take the same route and go back.  So we thought we should help us not to go back to most of our history. We warn you, readers, that this history has few facts and is mostly made of heresies, half-truths and untruths from the writers’ imaginations, who due to their low ability to be engrossed in things that do not matter anymore, were thrown out of the history class in high school. Parents are warned that children must not read this while they are still studying the lesson of history.  Only when they are insightful enough to tell the difference between a white elephant and a white lie should you let them read this blog. As for history teachers, you would do well to read it.  It might encourage you to write your own book in the sense of, “If people can read this kind of history, we too would be darned!” We shall of...

Fake is the trendy word in Kenya today.  This trend began with mobile phones and slowly moved on to toothpaste and now is on us human beings.  The way it started with human beings, there came a fake miracle baby Pastor. Then the faking bug moved from London where the fake Pastor lives and moved to the IDP camps where people, who had never owned a piece of land the size of a handkerchief were clamouring for land that the government was distributing to displaced persons.  Others left their farms and joined the two and a quarter acre gravy train. Before the country recovered from that fake shockwave, a fake policeman was found for the police, in the police by the police.  I had expected the PPO’s look alike dummy that probably the police hanged at the door or made sit on the PPO’s seat because, it is almost too good to be true that a real walking breathing human being can take charge of a police station and not even the police are aware that he has never ever seen th...

Why I love Current News I love the election season; politicians’ grandeur and hollow promises, and gawking citizens looking at politicians with dreamy eyes hoping that this time round the politician they vote in will deliver them from all their troubles.  Pretty much like the hyenas that rode to heaven with the promise that clouds were fatty meat.  That aside, news becomes exciting.  Usually I don’t watch news especially business news because they are not in any known language. During elections however, news metamorphose and become very entertaining movies.  No wonder someone, who am sure is dead, (those things are said by people who died a long time ago) said that truth is a stranger to fiction.  It is also on record that the most googled movies are those that are based on true life stories meaning that whether we believe in God or not, He still creates the best movies.  Political campaigns have started early and first on the agenda is IEBC.  P...

I was going to post last year's Madaraka Day's post but realized that you would catch me in my little plan. This is an undecided year - Yes and No. I thought it would be better to try to be crafty next year. I want to ape former President Moi in his gift of Prophecy and prophesy the following things concerning this Madaraka Day and probably give some suggestions that would save our future holidays. One, the Committee of Preparing Really Boring Entertainment has already swung into action and they will have choirs that seem like they have landed at the Nyayo National Stadium on UFOs from various towns in the country singing completely out of whack as if they are being controlled by alien beings from space. I suggest that on Public holidays, we can reinstate the KANU regime for only that day after which we can take over and go back to building the Nation. Two, as always, there will be a protocol issue between the Prime Minister and the Vice President. They will both be rushi...

Life has a way of disappointing us but it seems solely interested in me, most of the time. Just when I am thinking that I have covered enough ground in many aspects of it (life), it springs a new surprise. The surprise that I had the other day was of a disease called kleptomania which, if you have read the last two columns, makes me want to sue some people because they punished me for being sick. I hate to check words in the dictionary but kleptomania, as hard as I tried to figure it out of context was like trying to locate and swim in the Mississippi river in Kenya. As I have written in this column before, I don't like to use a word and later, when I check out its meaning, feel like an utter fool. This is how my dictionary defines it - 'illness that gives a strong desire to steal'. I immediately checked the calendar to ascertain that it was not April 1 or if you don't mind Fools Day. Several other dictionaries and Thesauruses claimed the same. The next action I ...

I went to town the other day and swore that I will not ride in a 14-seater matatu again. This is because even though the mat is tiny and slummed, it produces music that wouldn't be played in any of our major stadia because it would blow off both the players and the audience out of the stadium. The music started to play and it is the kind of music that you can't tell whether it goes into your body through the ears and on to the lungs and out through the heart. So I figured that my ventricles and whatever other ligaments and tissue that keep my heart in place would cave in and I moved to buses coz there I get to share the noise with four times more people and I hope I will extend my life by the same proportion. So I took a bus and I promise you except that it was rather crowded, it was quiet. I sat between two men and you will find out the reason I mention them. We rolled off town finally and just when I made sure that the two fellows I was sitting with were not likely to p...

SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL A CHILD in our days meant that if you kept the rod in a cupboard and let a child run care free, he or she would get messed up and would not become a responsible citizen. Today it means that you actually keep the rod in the wall unit and take your kid out and spoil him which translates into spending money that can feed several Kenyan families for a year at some popular spot. It is in the 90s when whacking children became a word for the old fashioned, when parents started to behave as if they had been to school to learn parenting that they started to say that they would not use the rod on their children. They said this oblivious of the good results the cane had produced- them. Now their kids have evolved into dorm-burning goons and surprisingly they all agree that it is the Minister for Education’s fault. I didn’t know that one of his capabilities was child rearing! When I was growing up, strikes were unheard of in schools. This is precisely because actions w...