Wednesday, February 10, 2010

JOINING THE FRAY

My creative juices have migrated to my legs which means that I did more wandering than thinking about this column. Since this is where I get my daily bread, and got to eat, and can't fail to post a column, I decided to join the abortion fray which I hoped would give me enough word count for a column. It did not disappoint.

I'll start with a lady from the NGO world who thinks abortion is the next most innovative idea after Albert Einstein's light bulb. First, I think she should have been aborted. Second, she is mixing up issues. She talked of aborting children that are a result of rape as if we can't solve this rape thing. What the constitution should propose to curb rape, is to use a farm implement that has an Italian sounding name - a burdizzo (Sorry you won't find it in the dictionaries because I forget the spelling. Check a Std 8 agriculture text book) and burdizzo one or two men and the rest will think twice before hopping onto an unwilling woman even under the influence of drums of amphetamines.

But the group that won't stop rattling me are the doctors. I mentioned last week that they are now telling us to forget the whole zygote-gamete theory, which by the way would transform Biology into the most boring subject in school. This is the only topic that lights up a class after Classification and Asexual reproduction. So now they want to tell us that children are born after a 'Big Bang' in a woman's stomach where an atom just Big Bangs and a woman gets a baby who starts to live at birth and so we should start walking with caution because a baby can just pop out any minute. Puuuhliz! They are now proposing that in case you find yourself with a baby growing in you, you are free to abort it because after all it will start living at birth. And they are willing to help us do exactly that if only we could allow it in the constitution.

For doctors to pretend that they need a constitution to carry out abortions is humbug. How many foetuses have we woken up to on our dumpsites? What the doctors are asking for is to be allowed to use government equipment, including hospital beds to do what they have been stealing government equipment to do.

Then there is a group of women who 'just find themselves pregnant'. I would like to bring to their attention this new technology known as TRUSTing (which has nothing to do with trust) in which a man loves you so much he wouldn't want to be the father of your children and feels obligated to protect you from the infusion of STDs he has collected from his amoral escapades. If TRUSTing doesn't work, link up with Bishop Deya and provide a baby for his next miracle crusade!

Lastly I wish to address the pro-lifers with their hoity-toity attitude. These are people who have such low opinion of the Kenyan woman that they believe that if abortion is allowed in the constitution, that we (Kenyan women) shall troop to get ourselves pregnant so that we can later troop down to abortion clinics. We sure do troop for government subsidized maize flour and a mandatory third of parliamentary seats. But I swear we wouldn't troop for legalized abortion.

I wish to end my bum arounds at the Coast where I will be rendered bat-like (hanging upside down) for a weekend from a coconut tree to see whether my creative juices will return to my head and hopefully next week I will have a more worthwhile story.