Monday, December 14, 2009

THE HELL WITH NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

We are in the New Year season and as always we are coming up with all sorts of resolutions. Let me first state my opinion about New Year resolutions – they were invented by very mean sadists who wanted people to be depressed after the Christmas season. Another idea is that they could have been created by Mother Nature for stability. After peak pleasure during Christmas, the other way is down and she made sure that she did not give us a descent but a fall.

So I am sick and tired of New Year resolutions because I have had one for the last 20 Years that I made at midnight on January 1st and broke it at 7 A.M. the following morning, even though I would have broken it earlier if I had not been sleeping.

My take is that since I have turned out just fine even after breaking all 20 New Year resolutions, that they are unnecessary depressants that we do not need. Their only result in my life is that they make what I have always done with ease become difficult because they come wrapped in a gift wrapper that screams better. I think they are blind ogres facing away from us, and we just walk up to them and pat their shoulders declaring ourselves ready meals.

I want to advise us that whatever you have planned to do this year, remove the New Year resolutions tag and you will accomplish it. Those of you that will be trying tough things like quitting smoking and drinking relax. Wait until the newspapers have screamed themselves hoarse about New Year resolutions which will probably be in March, and then sit carefully and read the label on the pack of cigarettes or the label on your beer bottle. The cigarette pack is written in bold letters that ‘Cigarette smoking is harmful to your health’ and I insist that the government demands that they add ‘and only an idiot like me would light it up.’

Then there are those of you who have paid yearly subscriptions to gyms in the pursuit of loss of weight. Good luck! Especially if you are like me still nibbling on the New Year cake in the name of slow but sure. Gym time comes and the only 'sensible' thing you can think of is to drive away in the opposite direction from the gym because your whole body hurts from the last session. New Year resolution rears its ugly head and the next thing you want to do is crush into a tree. You tell yourself that since the New Year resolution is causing you so much pain, it is ok to pass via Marc’s Ice Cream to soothe your sore self.

So this New Year resolution fad is complete horse waste and you will save yourself a lot of trouble if you just join my club which is New Year resolutions no more.

You will also agree with me (and it won’t kill me if you don’t) that we Kenyan’s love our culture of being broke in January so that we can tell each other how broke we are. Can you imagine a January where you have money? I paid my rent before going home for Christmas and you can’t believe my landlord. He confessed to me that it sucked up all his ego because I robbed him the thrill of coming to my door and declaring that the house belongs to him and if I didn’t pay up he would throw me out and find another tenant. So now to keep up the fa├žade, he is coming every day for a cup of tea. I think I prefer the nagging and declarations of being thrown out. Apart from building his ego, it will save me lots of cups of tea whose cost is going to be higher than two months rent by the end of January.

Happy New and Prosperous 2010!