Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I am suing CKJ for causing me, a citizen of a democratic country pain and suffering. And I am looking for the best lawyer in the land - one who has sat in several commissions of inquiry. This at least narrows the number to quite a few but before you raise your hands, this is a serious case with serious money. I need compensation from the clothes line for the humiliation, pain and suffering the company has caused me.

I am the kind of person who appreciates instructions and I read them very carefully before using anything I buy including tea leaves to make a good cup of tea. I always do just in case there is a change in formula or content. I read the instructions on the pair of jeans about how to wash, dry and iron it. You must be wondering what went wrong if I had read the instructions and followed them. What was not in the instructions was the most important because I had bought the pair of jeans to wear it, right? You don't buy a pair of jeans or any other piece of clothing to wash, dry and iron it, do you? Therefore the company should have included the instructions that 'you should make sure you have buttoned and zipped the jeans before leaving the house' and maybe just out of concern for the consumer include the consequences of not zipping and buttoning the jeans, something like 'BECAUSE THE JEANS WILL FALL AND LEAVE YOU EXPOSED!

The long and short of it is that I am suing CKJ for leaving out that important instruction. I was walking in town in this uncertain weather we are now having where you leave the house in jeans and you want to throw the pair in a dustbin by ten in the morning because it is too hot or you wear something light and then go buy a jersey on credit by noon from your stockist, and then you wish you could return it by two in the afternoon because you are steaming.

A tout thought that I needed to be rescued from the weather and started those auntie greetings of theirs and insisted on taking me wherever his 'mat' was heading. I always have the courtesy to wave, meaning no or the usual 'siendi asante' but this particular day I ignored the guy and the tout, who would probably have been polite if I had been in the first place shouted to me in a rather loud voice considering I was close to his matatu "Auntie hinga mubuto."

For those of you who are not familiar with Gothic, this translated means Auntie Zip up your damn trousers! I thought he was just a little bit irritated by my refusal to board his 'mat' and was trying to mock me but when I looked down and saw an unzipped CKJ jeans on me, I wanted to burst into flames or mutate to an unknown life form!

If you think you are a good learned friend, please contact me. I also need an insurer who has a humiliation policy. I will be putting my millions in your basket.