Thursday, August 6, 2009


WHEN MARTHA KARUA ANNOUNCED HER AMBITION TO BE KENYA’S 4TH PRESIDENT, my reaction was hahahaha, ending the debate within me whether she was a serious contender or not. I consider myself a politics whiz-kid even though I only carry out my political analysis on my mother who has made it her life purpose to be on the opposing side of my political views.

So I was surprised when I saw some seasoned politicians including the president take her threat seriously.

The most amazing reaction was by Hon. Kiraitu Murungi who decided that he will be carrying out his conversations with telephone poles as a result instead of using his mobile phone. That means that if he wants to call his CDF committee, he will just be walking out of his office to a telephone pole, mutters a few words and bam, his message is delivered. But I have misgivings about this. Can he tell the difference between a telephone and an electricity pole? Of course, what is wrong with me? He is the Minister for Energy and by now he must have developed deep relationships with individual electricity poles. He might also want to send Pesa through the telephone poles where he will need to dig a hole in the ground at a telephone pole and put in some 2 million bob for the CDF. You know that I will be following him very closely.

My advice is that he should keep his activities in Nairobi only. Such acts of muttering to telephone poles might not be taken very lightly in Meru where his political enemies might want to brand him a witch. Hey you linguists, I am aware it is wizard but the computer has done something wimpy to the word and given it a completely different meaning and you agree that I am giving the Minister advice that could save his life.

Apart from Hon. Kiraitu, there are others who are hiding their fear of Martha’s political rising star behind the idea of forming a political conglomerate that will counter ODM. Now Martha, they have told us themselves, is not fooled by their gimmicks and doesn’t believe it has anything to do with ODM but to snuff her vision in favour of some politicians whose political strategy is to sit and cheer the president to retirement. The president will then show up with a gourd of Muratina which he will sip and spit on one of their chests, after which they will hit the ground running- state machinery and all. Martha assures us it has happened before.

Apparently, Martha is convinced that she would never in a jillion years have such good fortune, and if she did, we would frown at the idea of the spitting ceremony in her favour because she is from a different sex from that of the president.

She has adopted a strategy that has become common with the second liberation agitators which is to tripe everything the president says. This translates to waiting for the president to call for a strategy meeting to form coalitions that would strengthen their party, after which she heads to Parliament buildings or the flower party HQs and calls a press conference. She waits for the Big Question. What do you think of the president’s suggestion? And she goes Booh- meaning it is just another of the president’s wise cracks, a synonym of ‘upumbavu’.

Another development with Martha’s proclamation is the announcement by Hon. Mungatana to run for PM – which I think is driven more by his diet vs. the PM’s and not that the fact that he can lead this country. It might also be that he sees far and actually believes Martha will be president of this country.

I want to state that I don’t laugh at the idea anymore, because if it is giving seasoned politicians queasy stomachs and woozy feelings, she might be a serious contender. What vexes me is that the cheer leading group of women, who were singing songs of praise to her when she suggested that we should have 50 of them in Parliament, by virtue of the fact that when they were born, the doctor inserted (F) where it reads sex on their birth certificates, is now in hiding.

I would want to support her bid for the presidency, except that as soon as I heard that Mungatana was aspiring to be her PM, I thought of running for PM and I am currently looking for a presidential candidate. I expect the race to be a complete walk over for me because Mungatana will do the campaigns for me. This is how: ‘Ninasikia kuna haka kamwanamke ambako kanaandika maneno ya kiupuziupuzi kwenye magazeti, eti kanataka kusimama kiti cha PM. Kwani hakajui mimi ni nani? Mimi hula mamba wakati kanakula githeri ya kobole huko Korogocho. Kataniweza? (I hear there is this woman who writes stupid things in the newspapers who wants to run for PM. Does she know who I am? I eat crocodiles while she ingests five-shilling githeri in Korogocho slums. Can she beat me?) To which the crowd shouts in unison ‘Hapana’- No! No- informed and fueled by the sight of a few bales of unga and lessos perfectly displayed at the dais. In the evening when the rest of Kenya watches on the news, I gain a few hundred thousand sympathy votes. At least this is my strategy.

As for Martha, I say go Gal go and if you make it, how about giving me the Government Spokesperson docket?