Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I received the news of the death of Dr. Kulundu with great shock especially because I learnt about it on Monday morning in a 'mat' because we didn't have power on Sunday evening and all the other passengers looked at me as if I had just emerged from Lake Naivasha where we understand there is scarce oxygen when I gasped at as ancient history as 9pm news of the previous night. Here is a column I wrote when Dr. Kulundu had the famed clash with US Ambassador Ranneberger.

I want to echo our politicians for the first time, (note: it is for the first time!) and tell the US ambassador, Mr. Mike Ranne-whatever, who from this point I will refer to as Ranne because his name is difficult to spell, to put up and shut up or ship out!

His behaviour is off-putting. First, he takes up the onus of giving us advice on whom we should elect to office. Just as a reminder, in case Ranne has forgotten or is unaware of Kenya ’s history, we have been electing someone to office for the last forty years. So we know the generation to elect. For your information Sir, we elect the older generation to office because we cannot afford to pay a president’s pension for more than a few years. As you have noticed, our annual budget is what your government spends on your pet food allowance for a week.

Just because your country has young aspirants in next year’s election does not mean that we should follow suit. And it is really not out of choice that you have young aspirants. Rumor has it that the older industrial-era-generation has gone to train in mobile telephony because the elections are skewed towards the young in this information era, and that we should expect them to make a comeback in 2012. Fortunately, we shall be holding elections in the same year and we can’t wait to see which country will be fielding older presidential candidates than the other!

We had of course forgotten his ill advice but since he has to remind us that he is around, he took the opportunity to display his disapproval of our choice of leaders at the tabling of the human trafficking report, whose study his government sponsored. The study was carried out by experts. Dr. Kulundu just read the report. He did not write it. He never writes anything. As far as we know he has read the same speech on Labour Day since he became the Minister for Labour and even that, reliable sources tell us that he borrowed it from his predecessor. The ambassador should therefore direct his anger to experts in human trafficking and not to Dr. Kulundu.

To prove Dr. Kulundu’s innocence in this matter, the Dr. was so happy with the fact that he had a chance to appear on TV a day before dissolution of parliament that he was grinning at his first-rate performance and even thought that the ambassador owed him a handshake! From the gossip columns, we have reliably learnt that workers have been very uncooperative and that they refused to threaten with strikes, hence leaving the Minister with little to do. His area of specialization has been to threaten workers who threaten to go on strike, and it also remained his only ticket to TV.

Thanks to the report, Dr. Kulundu also got a chance to remind us that he is still around. I hope that his constituents will re-elect him and the next president will re-appoint him to the Labour Ministry. This will compel us to declare the Ministry of Labour deceased after 5 more years of boredom. The end result of this will be to declare a public holiday (hopefully on the Minister’s birthday) christened Black Labour Day. On this day we will assemble at Nyayo Stadium and have traditional warriors spear Dr. Kulundu’s effigy and burn it and then the Minister for Public Service will give a brief history on the origin of the Black Labour Day, after which we will all go home happy to be away from work.

Now back to Ranne. Why would any researcher in human trafficking mention the country that put food on his table for a couple of months, list it as an important destination for human traffickers? Naivety I hope; or the researcher just wanted to put our Labour Minister in hot soup.

America , for those of you who did not study the subject of history like me, is the bridge between purgatory and heaven. Human trafficking? An American would ask you with that tone of are you for real? The US is so technologically complex - its navy can detect a human trafficker and his cargo in the ‘land of origin’ and have them grounded or re-routed to other ‘important human trafficking’ destinations listed in the report.

Also, why would anyone in their right human trafficking mind want to traffic humans to the US ? To whom would you sell them? The Americans have machines that do all the work that human traffic does; from cleaning the house, doing dishes, taking care of day old babies and driving the school-going kids to school. And they (Americans) sell sex toys in grocery stores!

I recommend that someone reviews the report on human trafficking. Here are the guidelines for the lucky critic. Your sole intention should be to delete the US from the list of important human trafficking destinations. As for Ranne, he would do well to give his advice on ‘Leadership and Generations’ to his president, especially on appointment of ambassadors- hahaha.