Monday, October 19, 2009

Swine Flu Symptoms

I was going to write about Kenyatta day but I caught the flu and all my thoughts are now all flu related. I am not sure what particular strain of the flu I have- it could be the human flu or swine flu or bird flu or one that has yet to get into the baptismal pool, for example cat flu or fish flu.
With these flu-related thoughts, I remembered how a few months ago the whole world came to a complete standstill about swine flu. I got to know about it in a mat from a guy who told us that swine flu literally turned people into pigs. He also said that it had been lab manufactured by the Mexicans to export it to Kenya because our son Obama, had been elected president of the US before one of their own even though there are more Mexicans living in the US than are Kenyans worldwide. They, also according to the guy, were more likely to be a territory of the US than we are considering that they are America's neighbours while we would have to wait for the next evolution to be a territory of the US.
I went straight home to verify that 'News' tidbit and was glad I had not opened my mouth to another soul to retell the guy's story because it is the kind of story which when you repeat it, you confirm that folly has managed to wiggle its way into the 21st Century.
Our government acted swiftly then and before we knew it there were guys wearing masks, who looked more like they were harvesting honey at the airport than ensuring that the swine flu virus did not come into this country. The viruses must have laughed themselves sick, rolling on the floor right past the masked guys which explains why, months after the entire modern world has forgotten about swine flu, we are still battling it in our schools with the camera doting Minister for Public Health, Hon. Beth Mugo swearing every time the flu is spotted that 'the government is in full control of the situation'.
Other thoughts you have when you have this particular strain of flu that I have include a deep desire to applaud the government. Normally, we Kenyans love to criticize and blame the government for every woe under the Sun even if we bring it upon ourselves. We don't go looking for the government to pat it on it's back. But with the flu, I wanted to get out of bed and go look for the government and hug it for rationing water because I didn't want to take a shower and for rationing electricity because with this flu the lights are now blinding.
Fortunately, a good friend took me to the doctor and after some pills and several naps, I am back to being real Kenyan.
The first thoughts that struck me were about the several thousand cows (read tonnes of beef) the government buried after starving them. As you are well aware, the government, using our taxes, purchased cows from pastoralists, apparently to cushion them (the pastoralists) from drought and I agree (flu-free) that that was a brilliant move. Now, you would have thought that at the Ministry of Livestock or at KMC, there are trained fellows who would have known that with starving animals, you either send them straight to the gallows and can them and export them ASAP or you throw them a straw party to fatten them. But no. They drove them straight to the EA Portland Cement Company. Now, even you, who your Biology teacher would rather be kidnapped by Somali Pirates than admit you were his/her student because you left an indelible stain of shame in the school score sheet know that cows, starving or not, do not eat limestone or cement. But not the guys we have entrusted with the care of livestock in this country.
To my utter shock and surprise, when the cows started dying, the government acting traumatized through it's spokesman Dr. Alfred Mutua, who by now should have realized that he tends to know too little about nothing, and should just the hell shut up, went ahead and came up with what he considered 'another brilliant idea' which was to buy healthier cows! So that they could starve them for longer? I don't know but I sure do know that the pills are kicking in and I am on my way to recovery. Fortunately, it will be way beyond Kenyatta Day.