Thursday, June 16, 2016

LIFE ON FAKELAND

Fake is the trendy word in Kenya today.  This trend began with mobile phones and slowly moved on to toothpaste and now is on us human beings.  The way it started with human beings, there came a fake miracle baby Pastor. Then the faking bug moved from London where the fake Pastor lives and moved to the IDP camps where people, who had never owned a piece of land the size of a handkerchief were clamouring for land that the government was distributing to displaced persons. 
Others left their farms and joined the two and a quarter acre gravy train. Before the country recovered from that fake shockwave, a fake policeman was found for the police, in the police by the police.  I had expected the PPO’s look alike dummy that probably the police hanged at the door or made sit on the PPO’s seat because, it is almost too good to be true that a real walking breathing human being can take charge of a police station and not even the police are aware that he has never ever seen the Kiganjo Police College’s gate (it has police colours).
We were shocked for a good national average of two seconds.  Then a fake doctor was smoked out. We moved from shocked to afraid for another two seconds each. The hospital administration wanted us to believe that the fake doctor walked through the hospital gate one morning and assigned himself a room at the hospital and began seeing patients.  If the hospitals were not the gated communities they are today, that tale would have sold for billions.  We were told that he used to creep into other doctors’ offices and copy diagnoses which he later dished out to patients on a first come first served basis. 
On the day he was found out, he gave an old man the diagnosis of a pregnant woman. The woman had been admitted earlier at the throws of delivering her baby and a real doctor filled in the necessary sheets for her.  The nurse who was to care for the old man asked him to go back to the ‘doctor’ and get the right copy of his diagnosis sheet.  The ‘doctor’ feigned busyness and frisked through other notes and second time round he fished out the medical notes of a deceased person who had already started doing time at the morgue. That sealed it for the ‘doctor’. 
We’ll never know how many other old men were treated for pregnancy and for being deceased before the hospital administration found out after zealous investigations that the guy had never seen a medical school with his two eyeballs.  

Good gracious! Who will take the next fake title of the year? Think of a pilot.  Up there in the skies, the intercom comes through in that fake cheery voice of a hostess, “Attention passengers, we are pleased to inform you that we’ve just discovered that the pilot is fake.  Kindly fasten your seat belts as we laaan……’’ KABOOM! 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Why I love Current News
I love the election season; politicians’ grandeur and hollow promises, and gawking citizens looking at politicians with dreamy eyes hoping that this time round the politician they vote in will deliver them from all their troubles.  Pretty much like the hyenas that rode to heaven with the promise that clouds were fatty meat.  That aside, news becomes exciting. 
Usually I don’t watch news especially business news because they are not in any known language. During elections however, news metamorphose and become very entertaining movies.  No wonder someone, who am sure is dead, (those things are said by people who died a long time ago) said that truth is a stranger to fiction.  It is also on record that the most googled movies are those that are based on true life stories meaning that whether we believe in God or not, He still creates the best movies. 
Political campaigns have started early and first on the agenda is IEBC.  Personally I have no idea what is wrong with IEBC.  All I hear is that CORD claims it has the wrong people aboard.  Those from the IEBC counter that they do not know what is wrong with them and the government claims that it is an absolute lame duck when it comes to matters IEBC.  So we have all these people claiming things that don’t make sense and when it gets to this, I know what to do.  I stop bothering. 
My grandma told me that we all have a super-sized worm in our heads and if we don’t bother it with difficult thoughts, it just sleeps waiting for the day we’ll kick the bucket and then it will start breeding small little worms whose sole purpose on this earth is to gnaw us down to bare bones.  However, when we disturb it with things that we don’t understand like the IEBC, we might wake it up and it comes with a lot of fury that results in massive headaches.  If you are stupid enough to continue thinking about IEBC, it keeps turning which results into a major league migraine.  I think this is sensible enough so I like keeping my worm asleep.  No need to suffer headaches over something that will only profit politicians.  My vote should be enough.  I am digressing here and I need to get back to election season news.
The running battles we are seeing on TV where policemen clobber demonstrators is enough to keep my worm dormant. Anyone who gets on the street to demonstrate should be aware by now that they will be met by a disillusioned guy from the GSU who missed the prestigious RECCE squad and has been at the GSU camp munching on Combo-10.
Combo-10 is a type of food specifically for military people that is made of 10 biscuits of different shapes and sizes packed in tins that the military treats as one of their strategies in battle, even though all military people purchase it from the same company. 
So you go out as a demonstrator and litter the city of Nairobi with stones and artistically lay them on the road so that vehicles cannot pass because you are pissed with the IEBC.  This calls for a guy who is full of Combo-10 and citizenship flowing through his blood to come and clear the stones from the road so that in his citizenry spirit, he can help other Kenyans who do not care for politicians and their need for change to get to their businesses. For your information, the guy you are dealing with sacrificed his early years enduring harsh weather, commanders’ insults and stupid drills so that he can serve his country against outside evil forces.  It bothers me then, to think that Kenyans are na├»ve enough to hope that the guy would go out to soothe their democratic egos.  Come on!
I want to advise the government to stop using tear gas and hurting Kenyans who ride on opposition hot air balloons.  Forgive their ignorance.  I suggest that the government invests in laughing gas and have mean looking GSU on horses and itch-inducing-water-splashing-hideous trucks strategically placed behind the crowd gradually releasing laughing gas.  As CORD leaders address the crowds, people would start soft guffaws from behind that gradually become snickers before becoming lols to supporters rolling on the ground and wetting their pants. This would distract the people in the middle and front and warfare would ensue as the listeners, pissed off by the disturbance from behind righteously deal with the perceived trouble makers. 

I am positive that within two weeks, the news would change from IEBC to something else like for example another giga-corruption scandal. And for you news people, what sells better than a corruption scandal?  Call me if you know.