Wednesday, February 17, 2010

THIS EAST AFRICA COMMUNITY THING???

We are soon going to lose Alfred Mutua's 'I AM PROUD TO BE KENYAN' and be proud to be East Africans. I have been wondering whether this is good or bad. One, we shall stop fighting over Migingo island and losing sleep over whether the fish we are eating is either Ugandan or Kenyan. Second, our dressing, our food and every other thing that makes us sooooo Kenyan, like being loud mouths and rude and stubborn over nothing will be watered down by Tanzanians.

And just last year we had a parliamentary debate in Uganda where the MPs were vehemently opposing wearing of miniskirts. Now these MPs should get busy like Kenyan MPs putting their fingers in the coffers because once we go East African, they will never be elected to parliament. I was afraid that the MPs would banish the miniskirt wearers to Kenya and my reaction was 'Oh My God! They will come to muddle our already muddled fashion waters'. Later, I was relieved to realize that what Ugandans call miniskirts are knee length skirts - meaning that they might actually bring some sanity to our miniskirt industry.

By sanity I mean that our Kenyan sisters might hopefully understand that there is a difference between a miniskirt and some pieces of cloth the size of handkerchiefs being sewn together. The handkerchief sized skirts should be used for the purpose of intercepting the contents of a running nose.

I probably shouldn't be so harsh with our Kenyan sisters. Cloth is more expensive in Kenya than in Uganda (because Uganda's MPs don't know how to steal taxes yet) and so the size of our miniskirts is driven more by economic than morality factors. This is the reason we are seeing the hem of the skirt tending more towards the navel and the hem of the top heading towards the neckline.

Let me state upfront that I don't wear miniskirts because of my lower limb formation which some unsympathetic fashion police refer to as matchsticks, said to be endemic in my ancestral home. They are even made worse by an active childhood which left them scarred with bruises and burns and cuts leaving them looking as if someone was trying to brand the political map of Africa on them. I was not lucky to have a Senga (aunt) like our Ugandan sisters, who warn them early in life that they might need their legs in the search for husbands. You can tell from this point that I don't intend to be open minded at all.

How can I be open minded when I have been ran over by awe-struck men who, after passing a miniskirt wearer coming from the opposite direction turn around as if jerked by alien beings from space and the events that follow is that nimelambishwa sakafu (I am licking dust) on the streets of Nairobi. I suggest that the City Council and all Municipal councils add to their by-laws that every miniskirt wearer be chaperoned by a burly boxer (preferably the body building type) who will walk a few metres behind her, into whom awe-struck men who look behind to peek at the rear view of a miniskirt smash.

Another miniskirt related by-law the councils would do us a favour to add is to allow us, especially in matatus and restaurants to use slingshots on any miniskirt wearer who tries to pull the skirt down. The councils could make extra money by selling overpriced mirrors to these sisters or impose a miniskirt pulling down levy.

Though Uganda's miniskirts are way longer than their Kenyan counterparts, Uganda's male drivers claimed that they (miniskirts) were the leading cause of road accidents on Ugandan roads. Now this is a line of defense that Kenyan drivers would not take even at gun point. 'My Lord I caused the accident because I was distracted by a miniskirt'. A male judge can understand and almost sympathize with such proportions of sentimentality and probably hand a guy a minimum of a quarter of a century in jail, but falling into the hands of a lady justice with that straight-out-of-Nollywood-thinking would drive her to burst into laughter, reach out for her handbag, fish out a kerchief to dab her tears and hand the poor guy a life sentence for an attempt to abuse women rights.

In short, we Kenyans have adapted to this miniskirt craze but probably because they are must haves, the manufacturers should manufacture electric ones (in the same spirit of electric blankets) so that our sisters can wear them comfortably at night and during the cold weather. I sat next to one miniskirt wearer in a matatu and apart from her clattering teeth interfering with our thoughts, her body was trembling so violently I reached for my phone twice thinking it was vibrating. Her legs looked liked someone had planted and been watering goose pimples for a long time. They were giving me the impression of a de-feathered pied crow. I have never seen one but I imagine that it has black skin that would behave pretty much like de-feathered chicken's.

So, be the judge. Should we go East African or not?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

JOINING THE FRAY

My creative juices have migrated to my legs which means that I did more wandering than thinking about this column. Since this is where I get my daily bread, and got to eat, and can't fail to post a column, I decided to join the abortion fray which I hoped would give me enough word count for a column. It did not disappoint.

I'll start with a lady from the NGO world who thinks abortion is the next most innovative idea after Albert Einstein's light bulb. First, I think she should have been aborted. Second, she is mixing up issues. She talked of aborting children that are a result of rape as if we can't solve this rape thing. What the constitution should propose to curb rape, is to use a farm implement that has an Italian sounding name - a burdizzo (Sorry you won't find it in the dictionaries because I forget the spelling. Check a Std 8 agriculture text book) and burdizzo one or two men and the rest will think twice before hopping onto an unwilling woman even under the influence of drums of amphetamines.

But the group that won't stop rattling me are the doctors. I mentioned last week that they are now telling us to forget the whole zygote-gamete theory, which by the way would transform Biology into the most boring subject in school. This is the only topic that lights up a class after Classification and Asexual reproduction. So now they want to tell us that children are born after a 'Big Bang' in a woman's stomach where an atom just Big Bangs and a woman gets a baby who starts to live at birth and so we should start walking with caution because a baby can just pop out any minute. Puuuhliz! They are now proposing that in case you find yourself with a baby growing in you, you are free to abort it because after all it will start living at birth. And they are willing to help us do exactly that if only we could allow it in the constitution.

For doctors to pretend that they need a constitution to carry out abortions is humbug. How many foetuses have we woken up to on our dumpsites? What the doctors are asking for is to be allowed to use government equipment, including hospital beds to do what they have been stealing government equipment to do.

Then there is a group of women who 'just find themselves pregnant'. I would like to bring to their attention this new technology known as TRUSTing (which has nothing to do with trust) in which a man loves you so much he wouldn't want to be the father of your children and feels obligated to protect you from the infusion of STDs he has collected from his amoral escapades. If TRUSTing doesn't work, link up with Bishop Deya and provide a baby for his next miracle crusade!

Lastly I wish to address the pro-lifers with their hoity-toity attitude. These are people who have such low opinion of the Kenyan woman that they believe that if abortion is allowed in the constitution, that we (Kenyan women) shall troop to get ourselves pregnant so that we can later troop down to abortion clinics. We sure do troop for government subsidized maize flour and a mandatory third of parliamentary seats. But I swear we wouldn't troop for legalized abortion.

I wish to end my bum arounds at the Coast where I will be rendered bat-like (hanging upside down) for a weekend from a coconut tree to see whether my creative juices will return to my head and hopefully next week I will have a more worthwhile story.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

GRAVE MATTERS

This week has been dry news wise, that is for those of us who no longer consider the constitution debate newsworthy anymore. So I got down to cleaning my house and changing the newspaper covers that have been in the cupboards since the Nyayo Era and I came across some articles which I thought that even though they are ancient history, they are still worth mentioning.

I am not a proponent of AGEISM, but I am going to say something that will unnerve some of you in the reading audience and as always when I say something unnerving I don't give a rat's behind.

Most of our Presidents should be in classes studying the Internet and mobile telephony. I came across this story which intimated that French President Sarkozy had been robbed on the Internet because he can't keep his 'user name' and password safe. It is possible that at his age and profession he doesn't leave many brain cells devoted to memorizing his personal details. Sir, that is why we carry cards to remind us of these details. There are all sorts of places he could hide such important details including tattooing them on his ring finger so that nobody gets the complete combination.

My interest in the whole matter is how the web thugs got such information. What else do they know about President Sarkozy? My take is that he should be very afraid. This theft raises important questions for us Kenyans like - Is our President's money safe? We do know that the former President's money was safe because he carried it all in his motorcade to distribute it to poor wananchi all over the country but what about President Kibaki's? Does he have a bank account? Probably he has a bank Branch at Statehouse with a teller. Does he have an ATM? How many times do you think his card has been 'swallowed'? hahaha

These are weighty questions because I promise you my fellow citizens that if we ever home-grew web thugs that siphoned the President's money we would all be locked up in police cells as investigations are carried out. In the meantime Dr. Alfred Mutua would be holding press conferences to deny

(i) That the President's money was siphoned and
(ii) That the whole country is locked up in police cells and prisons pending investigations.

So I want to belatedly invite President Sarkozy to visit our African Presidents and ask them how come their money is never stolen? They'll first laugh at him (which is a small price to pay) and then advise him that presidents keep their monies in Swiss Banks with user names that would be useless to web thugs because they are changed every two hours.

Away from presidents and their monies, I came across another story that I think should concern us. We have nowhere to be buried! Lang'ata cemetery is full and are we supposed to be afraid? Let me give you my personal opinion about my burial - It is the sole reason God gives us relatives and friends and the government. So I have no need to go reserving a grave for myself. And if we are building skyscrapers why not bottomscrapers? We can have burial places that are several graves below ground. This is just an idea I would like the City Council to explore and if it materializes, all I ask for is acknowledgement, and a free grave!

N.B. The doctors are now telling us that life starts when one is born. Where did they go to school? Weren't we taught that living things grow? That is why I don't discuss the constitution anymore because people are becoming bizarre.