Wednesday, January 20, 2010

MWAKWERE'S 2010 PLEASANT SURPRISE

Hon Mwakwere is an entertaining man and should this country ever need the Ministry of Entertainment we shall not need to look far for its Minister. This is a man who gets 'disappointed' when a ferry stalls and 'pleasantly surprised' when a ferry, purely by chance, belches people onto Mombasa Island or the South Coast. Speaking with a smirk on his face about the pleasant surprise of not seeing approximately 5000 Kenyans (a large proportion being his constituents) being turned into fish food within secs, he revealed that it would be no little thrill for him.

Though for Mwakwere a stalled ferry only makes him a little disenchanted, the pictures that go on in the mind of a passenger on a stalled ferry can kill him (the passenger) even before the humongous vessel goes down. He imagines the middle part of his body in the mouth of a shark, a whale zooming straight for his head and a giant octopus wrapping its arms around his legs, making a nice little package of human legs and octopus meat for an on coming sea lion!

Mwakwere behaves as though he has developed a very deep relationship with each of the ferries, as in;

Mwakwere: Hey! you MV Nyayo, you have stalled for the last 15mins and if you don't start right this minute I am going to use this soldering iron on your insides.

'And you MV something, do you see this sledgehammer, I am going to use it break you into tiny little bits!'

'You MV whatever, don't even make me get started thinking about you'.

Then back to MV Nyayo, (which must be the most notorious, hitting the headlines every now and then) 'Look baby gal, I know you should have been replaced 20 years ago and you are honestly overworked. We are getting you a replacement this March. This time 'we' (meaning 'them') mean it. Aren't we lucky to have a career diplomat dealing with the now obviously pissed off ferries?

NOTE: The German government is waiting for a ferry to go down so that they can come and create a dense cloud of jets delivering blankets and food and medicine and stuff for the victims of the ill fated ferry so that 'they can show their solidarity with and support for the Kenyan people during this difficult period'.

I am not expecting the German government to come with ferries and say, 'Here, have some ferries'. No. At least the last time I checked I was not that naive and I know that ferries cost truck loads of quid. So I have a plan. We can give in pledge some of our national assets (read liabilities) to the German government, which even if the Germans held for centuries, Kenya would still run normally. Here is a list;

1) The Minister for Transport and his entire Ministry. Mwakwere has time and again stressed that when it comes to roads and traffic and rules and accidents, we are entirely on our own.

2) The Minister for Finance and the whole Treasury. It would give the Ministry a good break for a refresher course in typing seeing as how they almost gave this country a mass Heart Failure with Kshs9 billion worth of typing errors. And what a better place to train than in Germany with their long words, for example the word dog translates into Deutscher Schäferhund.

3) The Chief Justice

4) The Attorney General

Considering that the German Government is not stupid and might ask for something valuable, we would grudgingly give them the Speaker, Hon. Marende. This will surely cause some ripples in the country because we would be left with a chaotic parliament and lets face it, Marende does know how to reign in his men and women when need arises which is 24/7. And don't even think about closing the parliament for a day longer than the MPs have planned to get back. What with the all important debate coming up as soon as the house opens on increasing the MPs salaries and allowances. So it will be quite a loss to have Marende in Germany until the ferries are delivered but if that is what it will take to deliver properly working ferries to our Coast brothers and sisters, so be it.