Wednesday, January 27, 2010

ADVANCED MOSQUITOLOGY

I am concerned about the rising number of hate mail that I receive every week from people complaining that I waste their time every week as they read my 'nonsensical' column on my blog, if you can imagine. The internet has jillion zillion pages and someone sits at his or her computer, stealing an employer's time, reads this nonsensical column and then writes me hate mail vividly re-writing the parts that did not please him. So I have decided to go back to school and complete what I began to study from the beginning which I believe had nothing to do with human beings. I want to take a Master's degree in Mosquito Psychology. Now keep your hate mail. I am not goofing on this one.

The reason I am taking the course is first so that I may understand how a mosquito's mind has developed and hopefully anticipate how far it is going to develop before I finally get tired of this life and call it quits. I am saying this because today's mosquitoes are not the same insects we knew in the 90s. In the 90s mosquitoes used to hang around marshes and pools of water and rivers to keep us from fishing. They would bite you like ten of them in a row and we used to carry pieces of newspapers and fwaaap! And you would kill all ten with no escapee.

Today, they are in our houses and they get to decide whether we will sleep in our beds or not. We have tried nets and insecticides and just this week I have seen a television advert where they are now being electrocuted! We are yet to test electrocution, but we will all agree that we might be losing the battle. Which is why the other day I went to a blacksmith and asked him to make me a 'STOP' sign - like the one we see in advertisements and put it at my bedroom door hoping the mosquitoes would read the sign and stay out of my bedroom. It turned out that my household terrorists are not as cutting edge as those on the advert. It could also turn out that I have the wrong size of 'STOP' sign seeing us how TV stations are fighting for our attention and I hop from one station to the next as soon as there is even a whiff of an advert coming. I admit I could have missed the whole relationship between the road sign and the mosquito.

The mosquitoes have learnt that we keep them out of our houses by closing windows and doors and now when they go outside to feed on grass sap (apparently they also need vitamins),they feed as close as possible to the house and they get in as soon as they sense that you are about to close the windows. I have tried this trick and now we are down to closing the windows at 9 A.M. after opening them at 8 A.M.

In the house they no longer zing and hang around lamps. No. They now hide on the carpet so that if they get thirsty, they pounce on your feet and are first asleep back on the carpet by the time you think of using the fwap method. Others prefer 'resting blood' and so they hide in your hair and wait for you to fall asleep under a mosquito net and they start gnawing at your head and you can almost hear them laughing at the idea of a mosquito net. You wake up the following morning swearing about suing mosquito net companies that do not have the necessary quality marks. So the mosquito net companies add 'dawa' to the nets and mosquitoes go hungry for a night and they create a task force on the 'dawa' and the next thing you know is that they have decided to invade you from under the mattress and they'll eat it if they have to. I am very afraid of this option and I am weighing the cost of being chewed by a mosquito (bloodwise and discomfort) vs buying a mattress every two weeks and I am yet to make up my mind.

So now you know the reason I am going back to school. Even though I enjoy reading your hate mail, we have a disaster waiting to happen to all of us as citizens of this our beloved country and it is imperative that I take this serious course and even if I might find all of you decimated by gangs of these advanced mosquitoes,I might save myself and the coming generations. I have been assured that where I am going to take the course, mosquitoes consider it the 'Somali Waters' of mosquitoes and they do not venture there unless they be on suicidal missions!