Wednesday, April 14, 2010

THIS AIN'T FUNNY

A month ago, I thought that I had penned the last word on the draft constitution. Now it won't go away and it is all I have gobbled the last week and so I am spluttering it out to you my fans. This is a debate I have come to abhor because it has no fodder for Kenyan Humour - sure check the top of this blog, it is Kenyan Humour and the constitution is not funny. It is a serious almost morbid book, draft, document, whatever. It is even more serious than the Bible. At least the Bible breaks into the Song of Solomon after every verse in the previous books (the Proverbs) has depressed you by confirming that you are not the wisecrack you have always believed yourself to be, and Ecclesiastes, in an attempt to lift your spirits, reminds you that 'Life is meaningless, a chasing after the wind'. The constitution gives you no such break even though right now our politicians are telling us that it is 'better'. The only better that I like is the one of 'Better a live dog than a dead lion,' and the current constitution is neither dead nor is it a lion and neither is the draft constitution a live dog.

Let me start with the debate that has left us wondering whether we had a constitution in the first place. The big A. Abortion you are right. It seems to me that the movie makers are more informed and have taught us that a mother's life is given priority in case she is in danger of death. I have also never seen (in a movie) a woman jailed because she has miscarried. I thought it has always been common sense plus the Doctors' Hypocrites oath. So now doctors, who you would hope are well aware of their oath and politicians and a section of the civil society are claiming that now they have discovered the big hole in the ozone layer of women which is pregnancy and they have to protect the women from this climactic change by entrenching abortion in the constitution.

And for the umpteenth time I repeat to the pro-lifers - ABORTION IS NOT THE KENYA GOVERNMENT SUBSIDIZED MAIZE FLOUR! THE WOMEN OF THIS COUNTRY WILL NOT TROOP TO ABORTION CLINICS JUST BECAUSE IT IS IN THE CONSTITUTION. Sometimes I have to speak in capital letters hoping that someone will get it.

I warned you this wasn't going to be funny. It is numbing. That's what the draft constitution is doing. Numb me. So I decided to go and try kick this numbness with a recipe that I have kept in my drawer for the last three years. It is 'Red Hot Pepper Rice with Bitter Herbs'. It was hot I promise and I cried through the meal and will be crying through it tonight because, like our politicians, I don't trash the results of my hard work even if I have to shed another ton of tears eating through the 'Red Hot Pepper Rice with Bitter Herbs'. If I live through it, I hope that this is the last thing I write about the constitution, current or draft or new.

And now onto our politicians. Martha Karua, we are not the moronic society you have always liked to believe we are. The current constitution has a Kadhi's court at the High court. The one you are proposing has a Kadhi's court at every Magistrate's court. And that is different, it is not the same. Ma'am when you have nothing to say, say nothing. Those college door messages of 'If you have nothing to say do not say it here' is a myth and its been sooooo long since you left college I would have hoped that you have figured that out by now.

For the Kamukunji people, the Lord be with you. You have an MP indeed. He boards the Kutuny's NO bus, hops off at some point and joins the PM's YES bus and he ain't even sure whether it is taking him to the Promised Land or into a Pit. And the best of it all is that he doesn't care.

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