Wednesday, March 17, 2010

PUSHED TO THE LIMITS

There is a woman whose grey and white matter I don't mind seeing splattered on the four walls of her living room. Oh, you think that is violent? It doesn't sound as violent when an 'endocrined' - What the hell is wrong with this computer????? Why is it putting a red line under 'endocrined'. This word originated with Mrs Esther Timberlake. Surely she can't be wrong.

Forgive me . I am just on the warpath and I don't think I am quitting soon. I was saying that you feel this violent when an 'endocrined' woman shows up at your doorstep shouting at the top of her lungs that you have been grabbing food out of her six months old baby's mouth because her charitable organization type of husband paid for your fare.

So I went to open the door for the woman who was already set on Tigress and she grabbed me by the hair, which was just as well coz I slipped through her hands coz nowadays I wear my hair short. I obviously locked her out and she poured enough vitriol to sustain our country for the next half century. Apparently she had learnt that her husband 'pays' my fare from the loudmouth from Door No.2 who left out the fact that she too had been a beneficiary of her friend's husband's previous evening's benevolence.

Unfortunately I work for a reputable company and I did not want even a whiff of the 'huge scandal' to reach my editor because I would be summoned in the office and he would remind me what a reputable company I work for and so "would I please pass via the accounts office where my last cheque would be ready.'

So I am contemplating switching jobs and join the police. I will join the police for two reasons

(1) Just for fun, when you are bored because the morning will not be coming in the next few hours. you can call out to your buddies and say 'Hey, look guys, it is time to enjoy ourselves since the night does not wish to end. Lets hop onto motorbikes and go spray innocent Kenyans with bullets. (This thought is fed by the neighbour from hell).

(2) My boss to be, Prof. George Saitoti would rush to a press conference to defend me with the now tired, dog-eared tale of guns and machetes being found on murdered innocent Kenyans, and that, after sending a whole battalion of his boys to reduce anyone who as much as tries to protest police killings into what my grandma used to refer to as tuti (pronounced too-tay) wa Kanyenje which when translated from the original gothic language means roach powder.

Now this is a boss I want to work for, at least until my ire with the endocrined woman subsides.

Onto other important matters that hit our headlines, and this is big, 'Mrs Esther Timberlake will be meeting Sarah Palin at the end of the year! This impressed us so much and when I say we, I mean we sisters who have absolute zero interest in politics. Weren't we green with envy? This being the same Sarah Palin who sealed her party's defeat the first time she opened her mouth in a talk show? Authors, book idea! 'In the footsteps of Sarah Palin: The story of Esther Timberlake'

Actually the women Esther Timberlake should be talking to are the likes of Mrs. Beckham, Mrs. Kobe Bryant and Mrs. Tiger Woods. With all the accolades heaped upon her yet to be husband by Pastor Joseph Hellon, and the internet teeming with women who are claiming a piece of her husband, she should be preparing for expensive diamond stones and rocks or grabbing women by the hair. And just some advice girl, 'DO NOT FORGET THE LYRICS'.

'There is a danger in loving somebody too much, talalalalala talala talala, talalalalalaaaaaa .....

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