Wednesday, September 30, 2009

CELEBRITY HOGWASH.

Lately the media has bonked us with images of some noisemaking hobos whose noise the media is promoting as music. I know that many Kenyan youths adore these guys and are even carrying their underwear to have them autographed by these feel-gooders. I have nothing against the so called celebrities except that my dictionary has a different definition for the word.
And so every time I buy a newspaper, and God forbid a magazine, I have all these little smiley faces on the photographs. Celebrity delivers bouncing baby, celebrity’s mobile phone stolen, celebrity visits restaurant and this is news. That we can call a radio presenter a celebrity should drive celebrities (including the radio presenters themselves to massive protests).
I know some of you are getting pissed off at this point because I am touching some raw nerves here. Hey, get ready for this; who cares? Just so you understand, I would like to give a definition of a celebrity. A celebrity is a person who has risen through the eyes of the public to such levels that they no longer talk about the person. They only talk about their goldfish and cats. Talking about them and their incredible achievements is like tilling a 10 hectare land with a fork. The only stuff their spokesmen give you are such important details in the lives of the celebrities’ pets such as appointments with vet doctors, pet doves getting depressed or even their little furry puppies attending ballet classes.
Reading our celebrity columns I would say is pure humour. Achievement – Released a single (What?) Which turns out to be a sentence repeated like a jillion times. The videos make you wish that Fadhili Williams (God bless his soul) would just rise from his grave with a slasher and literally chop off the celebrities’ heads and go back to RIP.
Then you are bombarded with comical talent shows where comical judges involve comical youths and walaah! You have all these comical awards with comical winners who also shoot a notch higher on the celebrity ladder solely by acclamation by homework-avoiding school kids.
We the non-celebrity masses are to blame for this celebrity situation. I had a very embarrassing encounter with one of these nutter fans one afternoon when having lunch (read chips) with my editor. Just after placing my order (thank God), this young lady came upto me and called me by one of those celebrity names. (I later discovered that I am a celebrity look alike) hahaha. The young lady, after giving me a new name, went ahead to request for an autograph. Before I could even explain that she was mistaken, she had bared her b*ms, and exposed this snow white inner garment.
When you find yourself in such a situation, your mind has to act very fast to get out of a very embarrassing situation. I grabbed my fork and autographed her by pushing it as far as it could go. I later shot out of the restaurant and as they say, the rest is history. To this day my editor believes he went out for lunch with the celebrity I look like. He can’t believe that I am capable of forking someone on the hindquarters. In the meantime, I understand that my celebrity look-alike is in hiding since the police are hot on her heels for injuring a fan. My editor too. I wish her good luck.
What I really think is completely bonkers about this celebrity thing is that they (the celebrities) are the ones always giving celebrity awards to themselves. So they advertise in the newspapers that they will be meeting in a certain place for a show and they start by singing their singles, while the organizers, who happen to be FM radio presenters award the singles’ awards. Then come the FM radio presenters’ awards and the singles producers present them with awards. This goes on through out the year with more awards being presented and more celebrities being made.
I should mention that the singles celebrities later evolve into FM radio presenters. Reliable sources say that FM presenters go on to jamming university corridors as MBAs. Can’t get university admission? – Produce a single; evolve into an FM radio presenter and hooray you end up as an MBA and later on to a Corporate CEO. God help the Kenyan corporate world!

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