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HISTORY OF KENYA

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  THE CREATION THEORY This history book chooses to expand on the Adam and Eve story wherein we know that they reproduced and their children moved in all sorts of directions from the Garden of Eden to the Congo forest where the Bantus came from. They entered Kenya through a route in Western Province and the Kurias and the Kisiis decided to settle at the border and developed their own language. The Luhyas, Kikuyus, Merus and Embus proceeded eastwards and wherever they settled, they developed a new language. We must admit that they were brain-boxes seeing that we have only managed to develop Sheng which we have heavily borrowed from them anyway. They settled around Mt. Kirinyaga. The Kambas proceeded to the Eastern side of the mountain, and were happy to inform the Europeans who will come in the following pages that the mountain was called Mt. Kiinyaa . The Europeans decided it had too many vowels and reduced it to Mt. Kenya from where we also get the name of our beloved country.  A
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HISTORY OF KENYA

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  Yesterday I gave the introduction to our history.  Today we shall look at our origin. CHAPTER ONE FROM WHENCE WE CAME   The history of Kenya begins with two theories depending on how much faith one has. There is the Bible story in which God creates Adam and gives him some strong sleeping pills and forks out a rib from his side. Then he (God), crafts a woman from it and they eat the forbidden fruit, and he throws them out of his garden. They multiply outside of his garden and they start spilling into the rest of the globe. Some in the tropics get sun-scorched and black and end up in Africa and in Kenya. If you got a little more faith, you can believe that the world was a particle that exploded in the Big Bang, prompted by nothing and it became the earth and threw dinosaurs onto the northern part of Kenya which later developed into Zijanthropus and built primitive habitations around Lake Turkana. The Zinj crawled on their stomachs and then one day they were struck with the inn
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THE HISTORY OF KENYA

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INTRODUCTION This is a sort of the history of Kenya.  They say, that if a people do not know where they are coming from they might forget and just take the same route and go back.  So we thought we should help us not to go back to most of our history. We warn you, readers, that this history has few facts and is mostly made of heresies, half-truths and untruths from the writers’ imaginations, who due to their low ability to be engrossed in things that do not matter anymore, were thrown out of the history class in high school. Parents are warned that children must not read this while they are still studying the lesson of history.  Only when they are insightful enough to tell the difference between a white elephant and a white lie should you let them read this blog. As for history teachers, you would do well to read it.  It might encourage you to write your own book in the sense of, “If people can read this kind of history, we too would be darned!” We shall offer it in small chu
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LIFE ON FAKELAND

Fake is the trendy word in Kenya today.  This trend began with mobile phones and slowly moved on to toothpaste and now is on us human beings.  The way it started with human beings, there came a fake miracle baby Pastor. Then the faking bug moved from London where the fake Pastor lives and moved to the IDP camps where people, who had never owned a piece of land the size of a handkerchief were clamouring for land that the government was distributing to displaced persons.  Others left their farms and joined the two and a quarter acre gravy train. Before the country recovered from that fake shockwave, a fake policeman was found for the police, in the police by the police.  I had expected the PPO’s look alike dummy that probably the police hanged at the door or made sit on the PPO’s seat because, it is almost too good to be true that a real walking breathing human being can take charge of a police station and not even the police are aware that he has never ever seen the Kiganjo Police Co
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Why I love Current News I love the election season; politicians’ grandeur and hollow promises, and gawking citizens looking at politicians with dreamy eyes hoping that this time round the politician they vote in will deliver them from all their troubles.  Pretty much like the hyenas that rode to heaven with the promise that clouds were fatty meat.  That aside, news becomes exciting.  Usually I don’t watch news especially business news because they are not in any known language. During elections however, news metamorphose and become very entertaining movies.  No wonder someone, who am sure is dead, (those things are said by people who died a long time ago) said that truth is a stranger to fiction.  It is also on record that the most googled movies are those that are based on true life stories meaning that whether we believe in God or not, He still creates the best movies.  Political campaigns have started early and first on the agenda is IEBC.  Personally I have no idea what is w
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This Madaraka day

I was going to post last year's Madaraka Day's post but realized that you would catch me in my little plan. This is an undecided year - Yes and No. I thought it would be better to try to be crafty next year. I want to ape former President Moi in his gift of Prophecy and prophesy the following things concerning this Madaraka Day and probably give some suggestions that would save our future holidays. One, the Committee of Preparing Really Boring Entertainment has already swung into action and they will have choirs that seem like they have landed at the Nyayo National Stadium on UFOs from various towns in the country singing completely out of whack as if they are being controlled by alien beings from space. I suggest that on Public holidays, we can reinstate the KANU regime for only that day after which we can take over and go back to building the Nation. Two, as always, there will be a protocol issue between the Prime Minister and the Vice President. They will both be rushi
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KLEPTOMANIA

Life has a way of disappointing us but it seems solely interested in me, most of the time. Just when I am thinking that I have covered enough ground in many aspects of it (life), it springs a new surprise. The surprise that I had the other day was of a disease called kleptomania which, if you have read the last two columns, makes me want to sue some people because they punished me for being sick. I hate to check words in the dictionary but kleptomania, as hard as I tried to figure it out of context was like trying to locate and swim in the Mississippi river in Kenya. As I have written in this column before, I don't like to use a word and later, when I check out its meaning, feel like an utter fool. This is how my dictionary defines it - 'illness that gives a strong desire to steal'. I immediately checked the calendar to ascertain that it was not April 1 or if you don't mind Fools Day. Several other dictionaries and Thesauruses claimed the same. The next action I
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